Saturday, October 26, 2013

Clippageddon Four: Furlough Reloaded!




Episode Seven

Washington, D.C. A veritable paradise of government-funded natural spectacles. From the beautiful heights of pulpit rock, down the majestic hiking trails of her Rock Creek Park… those shallow, brown waters that eddy beneath the courageous rushing waterfall at Pierce Mill. And then, taking a swift bike down the trail there past deciduous trees of every species, cars eagerly shortcutting the worst traffic in the nation, and the ever-rare blackberry-checking federal worker-turned-fisherman in these hard times, the lucky traveler will eventually find his way to the National Zoological Park. The Rock Creek, its trails and its trees were all completely closed, forbidden if you will, to the public until recently. What’s more amazing than how so many Americans survived the drama of Congress, is how nature’s wonders sallied-forth during the government shut down. Our brave and tiny paperclip friends went on an amazing journey through un-mowed zoo grass, starvation, rivalry, really, really quiet visiting hours and triumph.

This is the story of the silverback paperclip Titan, his Stripey Link Clan, and how they survived what paperclips nation-wide have begun to bend their tinny jaws in heralding, “Clippageddon Four.”


Nature does go in her cycles, and every now and then, as humans will eventually experience hurricanes and droughts they must recover from, the smallest of nature’s denizens are pushed to their own extremes in order survive catastrophes. It may be as simple as wild paperclips fleeing from Office Depot’s latest Black Friday sale, or in our case, the absence of countless tourists dropping crumbs that paperclips easily forage during what should be the period they fatten (well, they do) before hibernating in office buildings in wintertime. Washington, D.C. has gotten through much of the economic decline since the Great Recession of 2008 due to its many government agencies and government-funded organizations in the city. Paperclips who make their home in this city fare well, as there is always an abundance of government workers going down office aisles and leaving out lunches, dried coffee cups and the prized sugar packets left torn ope on coffee room counters. But, this October, the paperclips that usually migrate to their traditional feeding grounds, such as inside of the State Department, the FBI building and the various Smithsonian museums… all of these large, cubicle-bound human beasts who sow their dropped luncheon crumbs all over the carpet were furloughed at home instead, leaving many a silvery office supply starving.


The wild paperclips who draw to the Smithsonian National Zoo each Fall were especially hit—there is usually more than enough to feed upon, when there are animals on exhibit that must eat, zookeepers and office workers, and then there are children having birthday parties in addition to the tourists dropping popcorn, sticky cotton candy treats, and the like. What should have been a feast for the paperclips in 2013 rapidly degraded into bloodshed—very tiny, really, molecular and silvery bloodshed—as paperclip silverbacks stole from one another, little cliplings fought over a lone popcorn kernel here and there…

The females were often forced to abandon their cliplings in order to climb up tables and benches to pry whatever may be left, often hard, petrified gum (and gum is from the chicle tree… but that has nothing to do with today’s episode).

Titan, the silverback we’ve been following since 2010, was met with especial dramatic tension when he arrived at zoo hill—a place we’re exceptionally lucky to be positioned in, for it does appear the very scene for a primordial dogfight. The concrete “ZOO” letters, now gathering dirt and maybe even moss and spiderwebs during the two-week government shut down, tower in the distance above the morning mist, like ruins from some ancient empire. Grass, gone days-yet unmowed, wavers in broad, muted morning-blue leagues beyond. Titan, as tall as an acorn nearby, makes a tiny hop onto the scene. A pair of other males, much younger and with a familiar scent to him, are sparring in the foreground. He is prepared for an attack. Titan has been ready to confront these two fledgling half-sons of his for an age.

They all spread fangs and snarl. Titan approaches from the side, wanting the youngsters to see and know him first, to understand. Perhaps this is noble Titan’s attempt at letting them back away from his mate and cub hidden somewhere in the grass… or, he is expertly trying to avoid a match against two, healthy young males. One may never be sure with Titan, he is often more wise than he dares to be clever.

The juveniles lunge upon him. At first, the three look exactly as if some bored office worker has hooked them up and is flinging them about in an idle moment at his desk, but trust, these three are tearing each other apart. The juveniles each show faint stripes of red, or green on the other young male, where their silver coating has not fully grown in. At last, Titan unfolds himself, faster than any paperclip we’ve observed before, becoming almost a perfect straight cut of wire, and the two juveniles swing round him by the hoops, helplessly, until both fling free at the ends. They go flying through the tree--er, grass-tops.

Exhausted, Titan carefully bends one end of himself, and then the other round that, just as a tortoise unfolds himself from his shell after a confrontation… okay, so it’s the exact opposite of that. There aren’t too many other naturally-occurring things you can compare to paperclips, you know… and 
Titan becomes whole and himself again. He cries out, and wild paperclips sound like small birds if you’ve ever heard them,

Kiweeweewoo… kiweeweewoowoo… woowoo…

Yes, go on and try it for yourself, it’s very refreshing. And, you won’t sound like an ass.

His mate, the flashing red strawberry hops out of the mists. These two have not seen each other in an age. They quickly embrace. The two juveniles, Joba and Boba were her own sons, and they had grown unruly, herding their mother away from Titan at their first opportunity some years back, finally hiding her here on zoo hill, when the pack came to feed.

What loyalty among office supplies that are truly bonded by love! Truly, they can stay hooked together in admirable ways…

The battleground: Here, it is easy to see the tiny Stripey Link Clan
on Zoo Hill, fighting for their eensy weensy lives!

But, something is wrong. We wait and observe. At first, the animated and distraught behavior of the parents is hard to decipher, but then the gestures ring true for any of nature’s creatures, be they human beast or tiny, metal anthropomorphized object. Yes, the two are, indeed, parents. And, their tiny clipling has gone missing!

Titan hops ahead. He has found tracks of the tiny clipling that should have been attendant Strawberry at their reunion just now… but these stop at a scuffle of more prints. Those same juveniles Joba and Boba returning, surely, but then the smallest one disappears, carried off—they have taken poor little 

Pipa, Titan and Strawberry’s one true cub together!

Oh, what shame for a tightly-knit paperclip pack to be torn open and shaken carelessly all over the place, on the grass, in this way. Titan has long known that these two were not his own by blood. At Strawberry’s insistence, because their pair-bond was so strong, Titan restrained his silver fang and did not dispense with the young males as some patriarchs, such as lions, aught. So, Titan raised Joba and 
Boba as his own.

Now, however, that these two rogues have vengefully absconded with his true progeny, Titan must make them feel, at last, how they were never his own.

Strawberry hops several dirt granules ahead of him. No. It is clear that they will both fight. Together. She bares her bright red fang, before giving the call and leading Titan on a bloodthirsty chase through the zoo.

Kiweeweewoo!

…Woo!

Next week: Miniscule Mayhem at the Monkey House!

Paperclip Safari, the series:
  1. Paperclip Wisdom
  2. The Mighty Silverback Paperclip
  3. The Stripey Link Clan
  4. The Origin of Office Supplies Species
  5. Paperclip Savers are Environmentalists
  6. The Blackest Friday 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

She's a Mean Old H4 Bus, Cpt. 10


Don Juan’s

Freddy Gonzales had never before seen so many tangas in his life.

That is what Keeper Josh accused Freddy of, looking at the tangas, once they were seated for a while and the young man hadn’t said anything. Freddy had been staring all around at murals he’d seen plenty of times before, as a child. How long since his mother and father had last brought him to Don 
Juan’s for home-cooked salvadorean food?

“I said, were you a kid the last time you were here, Freddy Guzman?” Keeper Josh was questioning him again.

“No, but after my dad got—wait, were you talking to me about tangas?”

Josh just smiled. He dressed the same when he wasn’t zookeeping. A polo shirt, cargo pants, hiking boots… well, his collar was popped up.

“You can’t say tangas, though—it’s weird on you!”

“Because I’m a zookeeper? You know, Freddy, deep in the Amazonian rainforest, there’s a rare species of golden frog, pretty endangered. As part of their mating call, they have to… wear thongs.”

“What? Haha!”

“Tangas, whatevs, YOLO… I got you, son. I’ll even whip my hair back and forth if I have to!”

“What hair?” Freddy couldn’t stop laughing. Josh was a riot outside of Amazonia.

At the other end of the table, Freddy’s mom Moenna and Katie Lynn’s parents ceased their furrowed-brow conversation and lightened their mood. Katie Lynn had gone to the restroom.

“Oops.”

“Freddy, you were saying something… your dad went back to El Salvador? Is that why you come here for all the home-cooked pupusas?”

“My dad is from Guatemala. He got deported when I was small.”
Josh put a hand over his water glass for a moment, “I’m sorry to hear that, man.”

“Pupusas are still good, though. This was his favorite place to get them. He used to work at the zoo, too. Did you know Eduard Gonzales?”

“Yeah? God, I know him—knew Eduard. He was the funniest guy—so you’re little Eduard? You were this whole time, and you never said anything.”

“Well, maybe… I didn’t know to say it… whether you knew him, really, because he was just a custodian.”

“You shouldn’t think like that, Freddy. That kind of stuff doesn’t matter. Or, it does matter, it does—your father was really good at his job, and he really liked Amazonia. Man, I didn’t know that’s why he went. But I guess, that’s good in a way… I didn’t think he’d just up and leave us. Well, Freddy Gonzales, I’m calling you Little Eduard from now on.”

“Aww, man, first you call me by the whole name and then…”

“Tell your dad I said that, too.”

Moenna leaned in. “I see my son’s not been getting in much trouble. At least, I hope he’s not been acting up.”

“Mom, I always say I’m good. I even get to carry all the heavy stuff, all the time, for Josh.”

Everyone at the table laughed.

Katie Lynn’s father was mostly quiet. Her mother, Anna, often spoke over him. “Josh… he lived in Mount Pleasant too, did you know? Katie told us that.”

“Wonderful! Really?”

“Yeah, I was over on Ingleside for a while…”

Katie Lynn returned. Freddy leaned over the table on his elbows. He tapped his sneakers fast at some bachata beat that always seemed to come to mind whenever he saw his girlfriend enter the room.

Katie had a nervous look, and she startled at all the beautiful women everywhere painted on the walls making tortillas, food that was deliciosa, rica. Tan rica que las tienen los manos llenos de tortilla y senos formado como platanos maduros.

She spied Freddy’s feet moving under the table and went to him instantly. Her eyes opened wide with her laughing smile. She danced a circle round the back of his chair, then slipped into the seat beside him and squeezed round Freddy’s middle with both arms.

“I’ll miss you…” she kissed behind his ear.

Freddy tried to relax and straighten up in front of their parents. He patted Katie’s back, for her to do the same. She really didn’t want to.

They all ate. Clearly, the parents decided earlier that they wanted to do something official after dinner. “Keeper Josh,” Katie’s father began over a row of empty tamarindo drinks. His voice boomed and Moenna flinched. “We’ve really got to thank you, Keeper Josh. You’ve been such a good influence on our daughter, and Anna and I hear you’ve been doing this for so many kids. Maybe a thousand summers…

“Es orgulloso… es lo que matado el perrito?”

Freddy tried to shush his mother’s whisper. “Máma, no—”

Katie Lynn went, “No, that was my other dad who killed the dog. And he’s dead.”

Everyone heard. Stopped.

Katie’s mother squeezed her husband’s arm. “Katie…”

“Mom, I don’t want to yell right now, so don’t embarrass me—Freddy’s right here, mom! And then that’s his mom, do you get it? This is so important, don’t embarrass me!”

“I’m sorry querida,” Moenna looked to Katie, “but it’s okay. It’s all fine. Freddy and I are fine. Just… listen to your mother right now, since she’s speaking to you.”

Anna snapped, “Excuse Katie. She thinks she’s getting married already, but you’re not her mother-in-law, that’s what I tell her.”

“Excuse me?” Moenna tried, but failed to recover from it, “Yes, my son could marry your daughter. 
Why do you think he can’t? We may be on the other side, but we both do share Mount Pleasant street.”

Freddy leaned back in his chair as the parents argued. Keeper Josh had another long sip of tamarindo.

Freddy had been feeling beneath the back of his grilfriend’s shirt. Her face was flushed with anger. 

Her heart was beating faster and faster. He bit his lip. The world around, Mount Pleasant outside, the women patting tortillas in here, on the beach, jungle trees, yes, tangas… titi monkeys, Esther the sloth, crickets. Their chirping raising… and frogs too… but Katie Lynn was screaming with them. 

Freddy thought about his father. The picture of him on the beach at Monterrico.

“Ahorita, tenemos problema con el alma. Tu novia tiene una fiebre del espiritu—la necescita, de verdad, lo que constituta el bosque—su serenidad…”

“Katie,” though Freddy could barely be heard over the arguing, “You promised me that you would take your medicine today.”

“But you didn’t even hear her, Freddy—you hear how my mother is yelling at me, in front of you? And she thinks I took all those animals, but I didn’t. Josh, you found them all in the exhibit again, didn’t you?”

Josh drank even more from an empty tamarindo glass.

“K. L. , take your medicine, baby. It’s in your purse.”

Katie Lynn was red-faced.

Freddy put a glass of water in front of his girlfriend. Then, he swept his arm round to rest on her chair back after she sat down.

After a few trembling breaths, Katie sat, swiftly popped open an orange prescription bottle, placed a small white pill on her tongue then drank the water. She drank all of it while Freddy watched.

The adults got back in their seats too. Freddy leaned his chair on two legs.

The dinner ended gently. Somehow, they all got back to normal conversation while Freddy tipped his chair and held Katie’s hand under the table.

Where it was all going, and Moenna checked eyes at her son when Keeper Josh said he had to get going, was the silver wrapped box in a white plastic bag on the floor. Freddy ducked down near his mother’s purse to get it.

“Katie Lynn, before Keeper Josh goes… my son and his father and I, we wanted to meet you finally, before the summer finished, and this was always Eduard’s favorite place. So, he’s here with us too. 
His dad and I both want to thank you for being such a good friend to our son. And, Josh too—Thank you, so very much, Mr. Braves. You have always been so good to the kids, I heard, from Eduard. You must have changed so many lives.”

Keeper Josh was waiting for the laughter, but it didn’t come. He nodded with genuine gratitude. 

“Well, they didn’t squish too many crickets.”

Moenna continued over the kids’ laughter. “Katie Lynn, querida, you two have been very good to each other. Here, this gift is from the whole family. The end of summer may be hard, but there’s no reason why friendship between you and Freddy can’t continue. Though you’ll both be going away to college, we’re all still neighbors, aren’t we? We’re just on either side of Mount Pleasant Street, anyways…”

“Mom, you’re going on and on…”

“Yes.” Katie’s father stood another time. “We all have the pleasant mountain to share. And, the 
Smithsonian’s National Zoological Park.”

Katie Lynn rasberried laughter at her smiling stepfather. Moenna clapped, charmed.

Freddy poked Katie Lynn with a finger until she finished opening the box. She brought out a black hoodie, a lot like the one Freddy used to wear. Embroidered across the hood were candied skulls, marigolds and the words “Cricket Queen”.

Instantly, Katie dropped it on the table. Like her fingers were singed.

“Does she like it?” Moenna worried loudly. “Freddy’s father did spend half the summer making it by himself…”

“No, I just… Mrs. Gonzales, this is so—” then, Katie screamed, “And it’s an NZP sweatshirt, an official one!”

Keeper Josh smiled big, cracked the knuckles of one hand. “Well, don’t get frog juice on that.”

“What are the crickets saying to you now, Katie, K.L. Killer? Are they still talking over at the zoo?”

Katie turned to Freddy, picked up the sweatshirt, smelled it, cried into it.

“Cheep, cheep, cheep.” Came her muffled voice. And, she kept saying that over and over. Freddy smacked his forehead while all the adults worried about her.

“No!” she stopped them. “That’s what crickets say. Cheep-cheep!”

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Coming up in October…

Beyond the paperclip safaris, talking archbishop unicorns, bisexual dragons and, sea priestesses proselytizing Maury Povich-style, I have a lot of other projects in the wings.

If you’re curious about my steam punk stories, the soap opera I created for my pet fish and exactly when -the book- “She’s A Mean Old H4 Bus” is coming out this Fall, then you should definitely sign up for mynewsletter. To sign up, send an email to me at random DOT witty AT gmail.com and I'll put you on the email-list. The first issue (which will include a sneaky little peak at my steam punk mystery story) will be ready in the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, please do look forward to the conclusion of Freddy Gonzales’ adventure through Amazonia, and more… more… more...

...OF PAPERCLIP SAFARI! Yeaaaah!

Eyup, being geeky is totally fun. Aren’t you glad we took over the world, finally?


The Guild

And, speaking of awesome geeks, have you guys heard about The Guild, yet? I'm usually late on trends (I think they've wrapped up the series?), but this was one of my favorite thingies on YouTube when they first started filming. Later this week, I am totally going to give you a thorough review of this entire awesome webseries about MMO gamers who run into all kinds of cray-cray drama when they decide to hang out in real life. If you want to laugh non-stop for a few hours this weekend, then it's definitely time to start watching "real world: gamers" with Felicia Day... you "don't want to miss all the hilarious references."

Shin Chan references are everywhere on this blog. Sigh...