For those of you receiving my newsletter, you know that I was planning a Halloween surprise: "Paperclip Safari: The Tiniest Thriller Night" for the blog. But! Feeling ill and then a surprise attack by the paperclips in my office — on Halloween night — have prevented me from finishing the music video.
Never fear... I am in recovery, the tiny oblong wounds on my arms and legs are healing, and if I can type a blog post, then using Windows Movie Maker isn't far off!
Update under construction!
Stay tuned, folks. I'll update in the regular places (Facebook & Twitter) once the cutest, strangest Halloween surprise is finally ready.
Washington, D.C. A veritable paradise of government-funded
natural spectacles. From the beautiful heights of pulpit rock, down the
majestic hiking trails of her Rock Creek Park… those shallow, brown waters that
eddy beneath the courageous rushing waterfall at Pierce Mill. And then, taking
a swift bike down the trail there past deciduous trees of every species, cars eagerly
shortcutting the worst traffic in the nation, and the ever-rare
blackberry-checking federal worker-turned-fisherman in these hard times, the lucky
traveler will eventually find his way to the National Zoological Park. The Rock
Creek, its trails and its trees were all completely closed, forbidden if you
will, to the public until recently. What’s more amazing than how so many
Americans survived the drama of Congress, is how nature’s wonders sallied-forth
during the government shut down. Our brave and tiny paperclip friends went on
an amazing journey through un-mowed zoo grass, starvation, rivalry, really,
really quiet visiting hours and triumph.
This is the story of the silverback paperclip Titan, his
Stripey Link Clan, and how they survived what paperclips nation-wide have begun
to bend their tinny jaws in heralding, “Clippageddon Four.”
Nature does go in her cycles, and every now and then, as
humans will eventually experience hurricanes and droughts they must recover
from, the smallest of nature’s denizens are pushed to their own extremes in order
survive catastrophes. It may be as simple as wild paperclips fleeing from
Office Depot’s latest Black Friday sale, or in our case, the absence of
countless tourists dropping crumbs that paperclips easily forage during what
should be the period they fatten (well, they do) before hibernating in office
buildings in wintertime. Washington, D.C. has gotten through much of the
economic decline since the Great Recession of 2008 due to its many government
agencies and government-funded organizations in the city. Paperclips who make
their home in this city fare well, as there is always an abundance of
government workers going down office aisles and leaving out lunches, dried
coffee cups and the prized sugar packets left torn ope on coffee room counters.
But, this October, the paperclips that usually migrate to their traditional
feeding grounds, such as inside of the State Department, the FBI building and the
various Smithsonian museums… all of these large, cubicle-bound human beasts who
sow their dropped luncheon crumbs all over the carpet were furloughed at home
instead, leaving many a silvery office supply starving.
The wild paperclips who draw to the Smithsonian National Zoo
each Fall were especially hit—there is usually more than enough to feed upon,
when there are animals on exhibit that must eat, zookeepers and office workers,
and then there are children having birthday parties in addition to the tourists
dropping popcorn, sticky cotton candy treats, and the like. What should have
been a feast for the paperclips in 2013 rapidly degraded into bloodshed—very tiny,
really, molecular and silvery bloodshed—as paperclip silverbacks stole from one
another, little cliplings fought over a lone popcorn kernel here and there…
The females were often forced to abandon their cliplings in
order to climb up tables and benches to pry whatever may be left, often hard,
petrified gum (and gum is from the chicle tree… but that has nothing to do with
today’s episode).
Titan, the silverback we’ve been following since 2010, was
met with especial dramatic tension when he arrived at zoo hill—a place we’re
exceptionally lucky to be positioned in, for it does appear the very scene for
a primordial dogfight. The concrete “ZOO” letters, now gathering dirt and maybe
even moss and spiderwebs during the two-week government shut down, tower in the
distance above the morning mist, like ruins from some ancient empire. Grass,
gone days-yet unmowed, wavers in broad, muted morning-blue leagues beyond.
Titan, as tall as an acorn nearby, makes a tiny hop onto the scene. A pair of other
males, much younger and with a familiar scent to him, are sparring in the
foreground. He is prepared for an attack. Titan has been ready to confront
these two fledgling half-sons of his for an age.
They all spread fangs and snarl. Titan approaches from the
side, wanting the youngsters to see and know him first, to understand. Perhaps this
is noble Titan’s attempt at letting them back away from his mate and cub hidden
somewhere in the grass… or, he is expertly trying to avoid a match against two,
healthy young males. One may never be sure with Titan, he is often more wise
than he dares to be clever.
The juveniles lunge upon him. At first, the three look
exactly as if some bored office worker has hooked them up and is flinging them
about in an idle moment at his desk, but trust, these three are tearing each
other apart. The juveniles each show faint stripes of red, or green on the
other young male, where their silver coating has not fully grown in. At last,
Titan unfolds himself, faster than any paperclip we’ve observed before, becoming
almost a perfect straight cut of wire, and the two juveniles swing round him by
the hoops, helplessly, until both fling free at the ends. They go flying
through the tree--er, grass-tops.
Exhausted, Titan carefully bends one end of himself, and then
the other round that, just as a tortoise unfolds himself from his shell after a
confrontation… okay, so it’s the exact opposite of that. There aren’t too many
other naturally-occurring things you can compare to paperclips, you know… and
Titan becomes whole and himself again. He cries out, and wild paperclips sound
like small birds if you’ve ever heard them,
Kiweeweewoo…
kiweeweewoowoo… woowoo…
Yes, go on and try it for yourself, it’s very refreshing. And,
you won’t sound like an ass.
His mate, the flashing red strawberry hops out of the mists.
These two have not seen each other in an age. They quickly embrace. The two
juveniles, Joba and Boba were her own sons, and they had grown unruly, herding
their mother away from Titan at their first opportunity some years back, finally
hiding her here on zoo hill, when the pack came to feed.
What loyalty among office supplies that are truly bonded by
love! Truly, they can stay hooked together in admirable ways…
The battleground: Here, it is easy to see the tiny Stripey Link Clan on Zoo Hill, fighting for their eensy weensy lives!
But, something is wrong. We wait and observe. At first, the
animated and distraught behavior of the parents is hard to decipher, but then
the gestures ring true for any of nature’s creatures, be they human beast or
tiny, metal anthropomorphized object. Yes, the two are, indeed, parents. And,
their tiny clipling has gone missing!
Titan hops ahead. He has found tracks of the tiny clipling
that should have been attendant Strawberry at their reunion just now… but these
stop at a scuffle of more prints. Those same juveniles Joba and Boba returning,
surely, but then the smallest one disappears, carried off—they have taken poor
little
Pipa, Titan and Strawberry’s one true cub together!
Oh, what shame for a tightly-knit paperclip pack to be torn
open and shaken carelessly all over the place, on the grass, in this way. Titan
has long known that these two were not his own by blood. At Strawberry’s insistence,
because their pair-bond was so strong, Titan restrained his silver fang and did
not dispense with the young males as some patriarchs, such as lions, aught. So,
Titan raised Joba and
Boba as his own.
Now, however, that these two rogues have vengefully absconded with
his true progeny, Titan must make them feel, at
last, how they were never his own.
Strawberry hops several dirt granules ahead of him. No. It
is clear that they will both fight. Together. She bares her bright red fang,
before giving the call and leading Titan on a bloodthirsty chase through the zoo.
And so, the mighty Silverback Titan emerged from the frozen earth, looking for his lost pack (of paperclips). Titan missed his mate Strawberry the most. And the cub, little Pipa. The two juveniles he could leave--and Titan grated silvery metal jaw as he hopped along, enjoying the thought of finally being able to put out the irrascible twins. Joba and Boba were not his own, he sensed, but Strawberry insisted on keeping them along...
Titan had been following his pack's scent trail for many long months. Through summer and fall, over forest trail, in street gutters, and also through an elementary school cupboard... Titan hadn't figured that part out yet. Had Strawberry gone to hibernate someplace around people? How desperate of a situation were they in?
It would be necessary to get to them before true winter set in, because DC winters can be mild and had been for some time before the big blizzard last year. Among paperclips it was called Clipageddon Three. The first had been a hundred years ago, when there was a tornado in DC that blew apart any manner of survival chains they had formed to hold onto trees, car antennae, or so very many government buildings.
The second devastating Clipageddon was during the formative years of the Nation's most popular Office Supply Chain, which is having ALL KINDS OF SALES TODAY--BLACK FRIDAY, ALL YELLOW LEGAL PADS 50% OFF, STAPLES 500 FOR $1, AND PAPERCLIPS, WE'LL SHOWER YOU WITH THE HUSKS OF THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF SPIRIT-BROKEN PAPERCLIPS: MOTHERS, BABY CLIPS, WHATEVER YOU WANT, AS SOON AS YOU WALK IN OUR DOORS!!!
And so, you see how terrible it was.
As Titan recalled the old stories (mostly, they were the shiny gesticulations of his grandsire's upper fang), the gray clouds parted over a field in Rock Creek Park and the steely silverback saw what he'd been hunting for.
Strawberry and the cub Pipa were nearby, their scents were unmistakeable. But if he did not see them, then they were upwind somewhere, perhaps very upwind, hiding out in the safety of treetops. No sign of her majestic red, oblong curve...
In the winter clearing, two full grown males stood with fangs fully unfolded and bared, each on his own hindleg (clips have but two ends, when you unfold them). Joba and Boba had grown from juveniles to full silverbacks.
A dramatic DC winter sky. So dramatic!
Titan did not like their aggression, he approached from the side, going two-dimensional and less intimidating. They did not heed. The foolishness of youth, to approach him like this, with no respect for what he had done for them! Protecting them, raising them as his own, even if they were vastly annoying and constantly hungry, and launching onto the loose shoestrings of passerby with no regard for the safety of the family pack... and even if Titan didn't enjoy their company... well, he was planning to confront them anyways. But not so dishonorably!
Strawberry had been right to hide. These rogue youths had cruel intent, indeed. Titan only hoped that the cub Pipa was safe, as he began to unwind and refold himself, into something that was all fang.
Titan is all fang, baby. And, some clear tape.
There had been three Clipageddons in paperclip history. Titan intended to make sure, for Joba and Boba's ruthlessness and complete disregard for the safety of the pack, this would feel like Clipageddon Number Four: The Blackest Friday.
...
Next: Teeny, tiny, tinny battle of the Stripey Link Clan!
(Randitty-o-Meter: 10. Those paperclips are so adorable.)
In hard times, paperclips can even congregate in the most foreign and dangerous environment for wild office supplies: elementary school closets prone to grubby mini-fingers, if not summer-break cleaning!
Did you know that even some of nature's greatest and solitary beasts will come together in times of distress? The Bald Eagle is an example. Normally solitary when not part of a mated pair, bald eagles will defend territories and are unafraid of fighting showy aerial battles over a stolen fish-catch. But, if there is a shortage of prey or harsh weather conditions, bald eagles will roost together looking very stern in their white caps, but generally tolerant of one another.
Curiously, paperclips more closely define the American way of life (being physically inserted or fastened to the very paperwork that structures it). Though, paperclips don't enjoy the same symbolic reputation as bald eagles.
All this is to prepare you for what our photag Valerie finally reported in, when her health improved:
The Stripey-Link Clan was tracked indoors--we presume they were most desperately motivated to escape DC's 100 degree temperatures last week. A thorough search of the building (the Stripeys selected a mostly desolate elementary school of all places, such brave little ones!) was necessary to find them, because their incredibly tiny tracks were hard to spy on the carpets. And then, wherever Valerie did discover silvery forms huddling together in the air-conditioning to hide and chew with fervor on old stacks of graded mathematics exams and foreboding, crackling-pink detention slips, these were not the same sweet clip-creatures we'd become so familiar with in the past couple of weeks.
As you can see, the conditions of a true paperclip safari are dangerous for office supply hunters as well as the hunted. These days, Valerie limps along with shorn off shoe-laces from Titan's attack and many small, oblong bruises on legs and arms bared to DC heat. And worse, whenever the wild paperclips are discovered by a school teacher determined to finish her classroom cleaning for the summer break, they are promptly gathered up to reside in tightly-closed plastic bins, as pictured.
Valerie spoke to one of the teachers engaged in this practice, who told us, "I am amazed at the ability of the paperclips to seem new-like after so many years. And they were very agreeable when I put them in boxes." The school teacher wishes only to be known as The Paperclip Saver.
To that... I don't really know what to say to that. I guess the paperclips either enjoy being contained, according to this first-hand account by the mysterious The Paperclip Saver... Or, the paperclips must experience such undue stress in the summertime as they cannot effectively communicate to human beings with their tinny, unheard voices?
Another remarkable possibility: suppose all the paperclips we meet aren't pawns in some national black-market office supply scheme. Could it be that paperclips migrate from the wild and into our homes and work cubicles, or lie in wait below our desk-chairs to be plucked up and stowed safely away until some rainy season returns? And if paperclips can, in fact, survive in air-tight containers, then perhaps they are adapted to hibernate or else enjoy a periodic airless, submersible state seen in some species of whale that can go without surfacing, for hours? That such close similarities should be found, so far across the animal kingdom!
Without more opportunities to observe the Stripey Link Clan long-term, we may never know. Valerie believes our particular beloved metal friends are captured within this very container. Unfortunately, the Stripey Links are difficult to spot from all the others. We hope that Strawberry, her young cubs, and the two adopted, colorful rogues can one day be reunited with their lost Silverback, Titan.
And if, as do some species, this prominent, clear plastic container is also an ancient migratory rendezvous point within the building--this may very well be!
I should also note that Valerie has refused to go on any more safaris for Randitty until we can actually pay her. So, it will be necessary to let them stay packed in The Paperclip Saver's container, for now. Or, I guess just could go buy another handful of paperclips and try to pawn those off as the originals... but, alas! When we still know so little about paperclip-hibernation, in the eyes of the great conservation community, that would only make me a part of the problem.
-The End, for now-
Mi'Raah will be concluded...
(Randitty-O-Meter: 7, So sad... I'd cry but I don't want to rust the few paperclips in my workspace that I've managed to rescue.)
What happens when you google 'the origin of the wild paperclip' and nothing substantial comes up? Well, another great thing about Washington, DC, is that you can find any wonderful book about any topic your heart might dream of... at the Library of Congress. While Valerie struggles to recover from an angry retaliation by Titan (not to worry, he targeted her shoestrings), I decided to do some research on the mysterious origins of the elusive wild paperclip. Hopefully, it will broaden our story. Above, is a page taken from Theodore T. Marsner'sThe Origin of Office Supplies' Species. It is a fossilized primordial paperclip discovered 1,000 years ago--in excellent condition isn't it? What appears to be a female fossil is lined up next to a modern-day male Silverback, for perspective.
One can only wonder at the amazing size of the ancient golden female paperclip. What does it suggest about the dimensions and regal nature of her lost mate of 50 million years ago? What does this must mean about their diet during the Early Eocene Era? This was also the age of the early horse, known as Eohippus. Additionally, I wonder at downtown's Natural History Museum not featuring EopaperClippius, when its sparkle might cheer a lot of the exotic models and fossils. Imagine an entire mural of early Paper Clippius!
Though the tiny rubber stegosaurus is chronologically misplaced, many of the other ancient species are excellent together in a museum-ish setting--even the exotic faux-clip, which imitates a vicious safety pin.
...
More Mi'Raah's a comin'!
(Randitty-O-Meter: 6, It's not a pile of stuff. I swear, it's a mural.)
